Beyond Condolences
When students lose a loved one, they need a compassionate campus response
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On the gray morning of March 14, 2013, my brother and I stood in the kitchen of my parents’ home. We each named tasks to add to the rapidly growing to-do list I was jotting down. There were a seemingly endless number of calls to make—to relatives and neighbors; the Social Security Administration and the pension folks; to the life insurance company and the local newspaper to coordinate an obituary. These things will sound familiar to anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one. But then my brother said something I hadn’t considered: “Don’t you think you should email your professors?”
I paused. I hadn’t been thinking about my studies. With only a month left until I graduated from Michigan’s Oakland University, I responded like a true first-generation college student. “Why?” I asked. “I’m almost done.” Like many students who are the first in their family to pursue higher education, asking for help wasn’t my forte, and being so close to earning my degree in public administration and policy, I wasn’t keen on seeking special accommodations. “But this is different,” my brother insisted, “It’s not every day that a student’s dad unexpectedly dies.”
Years later, the fatigue of a long day washing over me, my mind wandered as I sat in the dimly lit classroom of my evening student affairs course. As a doctoral student studying higher education leadership, I was surrounded by peers eager to pursue careers as college and university professors and administrators. My attention refocused as the professor brought up the topic of student attrition, soliciting reasons for student departures. My classmates offered their thoughts: financial struggles, homesickness, parental divorce, and criminal justice involvement, to name a few. Finally, I added what I felt was so obvious: grief.
Inspired by my own experience, I’ve since dedicated my career to studying grief and bereavement on college campuses. Grief (the deep emotional pain from losing someone or something important) and bereavement (the period after suffering that loss, particularly through death) are often relegated to the shadows on campuses. After all, death is in many ways antithetical to the archetypal higher education experience, which centers on growth, self-exploration, and new beginnings—not permanent endings, final goodbyes, and emotional distress. But while my brother was right that it’s not every day that a student’s loved one dies, decades of research has demonstrated that college student bereavement is a far more common occurrence than many realize. Around half of undergraduate students have experienced a death within the past two years, and roughly a quarter, within one year. What’s more, these figures reflect only death losses. Grief can present itself in many non-death-related forms, such as parental divorce, job loss, or a career-ending injury. And given the ongoing mass casualty events spurred by international conflict, public health crises, and gun violence, the topic of death is extremely relevant.
Grief and bereavement have profound effects on students’ academic performance and personal development, which may lead to an increased risk of departure from their studies. Research comparing bereaved college students to their non-grieving peers demonstrates that experiencing a death loss is connected to:
- lower overall GPA during the semester of loss;
- poorer exam performance;
- a diminished sense of belonging;
- longer assignment completion;
- increased isolation; and
- difficulty concentrating.
These outcomes can be exacerbated by a number of contextual factors, such as culture, religion, gender, and LGBTQ+ status.
While some institutions offer counseling services and grief support groups, many lack the robust infrastructure necessary to adequately support students’ needs. This paucity is in part attributable to a general lack of awareness and literacy about grief and bereavement in higher education and society’s ongoing stigmatization of mortality. It may also be the result of administrators’ and faculty members’ failure to consider bereavement a serious issue among the college-aged population, instead dismissing it as an over-used excuse to get out of an exam or push back a due date.
In 2023, I began working with Purdue University’s Heather Servaty-Seib, a leader in the field of college student bereavement studies, and Joyal Mulheron, founder and executive director of Evermore (a nonprofit committed to bereavement advocacy), to launch Evermore’s Higher Education Leave Plan, or HELP initiative, which is committed to raising awareness of college student bereavement and advancing meaningful campus support systems. Our ranks are growing as individuals with personal and professional experience in bereavement in higher education contexts have joined our team from campuses across the country.
Our team is dedicated to disseminating facts and resources to guide higher education leaders—staff, students, and administrators, alike—who are seeking to establish “grief ready” campuses. We consider institutions grief ready if they have a majority of the following programs and/or policies:
- a student-specific bereavement leave policy (for institutions with more than eight thousand students) or a specified point of contact for reporting bereavement and seeking accommodations (for institutions with fewer than eight thousand enrolled)
- individual counseling services
- a clinician-led grief support group(s)
- a peer-led grief support group(s)
- an annual event to honor deceased members of the campus community (such as a day or service of remembrance)
- options to make philanthropic donations of time, talent, or treasure in honor of a deceased loved one or campus member
Our team estimates that currently, fewer than 5 percent of accredited US institutions of higher education have student-specific bereavement leave policies. In the weeks after my father’s death, I scrambled to tie up loose ends as commencement loomed, because, at that time, Oakland University—like most institutions—did not have a student-specific bereavement leave policy. In the absence of such a policy, the onus for coordinating death notifications and requesting accommodations is placed on the grieving students and their families. As Servaty-Seib and Chye Hong Liew pointed out in 2019 in the Journal of College Student Development, “such lack of policy seems surprising given that these protections (e.g., paid absence separate from other types of leave) are generally afforded to adult employees and K–12 children and adolescents.”
The good news is that campus leaders needn’t assume the role of counselor or therapist to adequately provide support to bereaved students. Rather, leaders and other staff and faculty can take simple, straightforward actions to offer support and compassion to students navigating grief.
Look for signs.
- Students may have a broad range of emotional and behavioral responses, like numbness, anger, difficulty focusing, or withdrawal. Bereavement distress can also manifest as lethargy, disengagement, and decreased attendance.
- Each of these responses can negatively impact academic performance, but together they can be a major hindrance to student persistence. Be observant and reach out if you suspect a student is struggling.
Convey compassion.
- Directly acknowledge the loss and mention the deceased by name (“I was so sorry to hear your
mother died”). - Practice active listening by asking open-ended questions, reflecting, and summarizing what you hear, while allowing space for silence instead of rushing to fill it.
- Convey genuine sympathy and concern using simple, heartfelt language while avoiding clichés or strategies to “fix” the student’s grief. Also steer clear of remarks that minimize their loss (“At least . . . .” or “This will make you stronger”).
- Generally, avoid comparing the student’s situation to your own experiences, unless it clearly offers brief, authentic support.
Accommodate appropriately
- Be mindful that different cultures, religions, and ethnicities handle grief in diverse ways.
- Regarding coursework and deadlines, seek to use supportive rather than punitive measures.
- Though tempting, resist the urge to require proof. Asking students to provide proof of a loved one’s death is usually insensitive. Remember, too, that not everyone can afford an obituary or wants to run one.
Connect students to campus and community resources.
- Ask what kind of support or flexibility would be most helpful to the student at the moment (assignment extensions, temporary adjustments, access to a quieter space).
- Refer students to counseling services, academic success and tutoring centers, and grief support groups (both clinician- and peer-led). These may include the dean of students’, chaplaincy, financial aid or registrar’s offices, and 24/7 campus crisis hotlines, when available.
- Assist with other referrals and connect students directly to people who can further assist them.
Check in.
- Check in again after the initial conversation to show continued care, understanding that grief can deepen weeks or months later and may resurface around major milestones or emotionally significant events like graduations, weddings, and holidays.
- Create a safe space for students to share their concerns, knowing that they will voice what they’re comfortable with. Students are reluctant to share personal affairs when they perceive that doing so will not make a material difference in a faculty member’s decision. As one professor I interviewed about supporting bereaved students remarked, “Students don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
Compare notes.
- Find a peer institution to compare notes with.
- While varying significantly in enrollment size, research classification, affiliation, and student populations, Purdue, Oakland, and Brandeis universities offer excellent examples of how campuses can tailor student bereavement support to the unique nuances of their individual institutions.
Each institution has its own culture and practices that must be considered when developing student bereavement support, be it through policy or programming. Reflect on how the different suggestions here might be adapted to fit the distinct context of your campus.
Every student deserves the chance to succeed, even amid personal loss, and higher education leaders can champion policies and programs that provide this essential support. By striving to create compassionate campus environments that foster empathy and understanding, institutions reaffirm their commitment to student success and work to ensure no student’s potential is hindered by circumstances beyond their control.
LEARN MORE
Further Reading: For a deeper exploration of the ideas and information presented in this essay, see research conducted by David Balk, Cristina Bistricean, Tashel Bordere, Illene N. Cupit, Louis LaGrand, M Pease, Heather Servaty-Seib, Karoline Trovato, and Mary Alice Varga.
Make a Difference
Want to find out more about how to support bereaved students? The Evermore HELP team is here for you.
Visit our website.
Get started with part one of our tool kit.
We’d love to hear from you. Get in touch.
Illustration by Jin Xia
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