A Time to Talk, Not Take Sides
How I learned to take part in and guide difficult conversations
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I was only weeks into my first year at Barnard College when everything changed. In the days after the October 7, 2023, attacks and the subsequent outbreak of the Israel-Hamas War, the warmth and openness that had defined my initial period on campus seemed to vanish. Suddenly, the community that had felt like a new home instead felt like an obstacle course. An unspoken question hung in the air: Which side are you on?
One space on campus offered a safe refuge from the noise. At Barnard’s Center for Engaged Pedagogy (CEP), I joined a diverse group of ten students for a yearlong “dialogue and difference” fellowship. We came together not to take sides but to learn to take part in and, ultimately, guide meaningful discussions. We studied with CEP staff to learn approaches, such as active listening and consensus-building, that would help us have hard conversations. Our group had a variety of viewpoints about the Gaza war and about controversial events on campus, but we shared a belief that dialogue, not division, could help our campus heal.
We met every other week throughout the academic year, and participating in the group changed how I think about conversations. Our first assignment was to read the essay “How Much Discomfort Is the Whole World Worth?” by social justice activists Kelly Hayes and Mariame Kaba. They argue that real change happens when people with different views—including students, activists, and community members—come together and talk honestly to find common ground and shared goals. That idea stuck with me. I also began to see that meaningful conversation isn’t just for activism or scheduled events. Students can apply it in daily situations like resolving a roommate conflict or navigating a group project.
One of the most helpful approaches we learned to implement was a communications technique called looping: repeating someone’s statement back as a clarifying question to ensure mutual understanding before continuing a conversation. It’s a simple but powerful practice. Looping can cut through confusion and prevent conflict from escalating. I now regularly use looping to navigate hard conversations about contentious topics on campus.
The training has enhanced my college experience. As a music director of a Columbia University a cappella group my sophomore year, I relied on facilitation tools during auditions, when our group must unanimously agree on each new member. These skills also helped me guide the group through politically charged conversations about protests on campus.
Dialogue won’t solve everything, but it offers a place to start. In classroom discussions, in on-campus meetings, and in the larger effort to resist polarization, these skills matter. As the world watches how campuses react to these tumultuous times, I hope students will choose to respond with respect for one another and the larger community. Hayes and Kaba remind us that strength comes from learning to work together—a message that feels especially urgent in moments of division and unrest.
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